“I AM (NOT) BULLETPROOF” | How I fell in love with BTS
On July 12, 2019, Friday, I was on the train somewhere in Bavaria. The car moved and I moved with it. I was tired, achy, giddy, and anxious. By that time last year, I had been sleeping between 3 and 4 hours each night, considering myself lucky if I got to 5 hours. July of 2019 was particularly hard as I was torn between jetlag and my chronic insomnia.
My bones, joints, muscles ached. I couldn’t find a single comfortable position in an air-conditioned train. My only distractions were my Filofax planner and the BTS music in my headphones. The music that suddenly gripped me at my core.
Even though I had been Kpop fan for years, it took me some time to discover BTS. I watched their MVs, but only for my trip to Germany, I downloaded a couple of albums to delve into their music for real.
The album “Wings” / “You Never Walk Alone” was the soundtrack to my pain, both physical and mental. Chronic illnesses seemed to pile on my plate that year, pushing away my inspiration, creativity, causing anxiety and frustration.
I worked too much, didn’t rest enough, and my creativity felt as if it had dried up. (Not that I had much to begin with.) I craved an external outlet as I felt myself shrivelling inside my head, unable to explode with words on paper.
On my way back to Munich the next day, I continued listening to the same songs over and over, while willing the pain in my fingers to subside and allow me to write down my thoughts.
“My joints have roots in them”, I wrote on Friday, “There are flowers blooming in my brain. My lungs are full of clouds.”
On Saturday, almost delirious from the combination of a hangover, NSAIDs, coffee, and cramps, I wrote a quick poem, inspired by BTS “Not Today”.
Part of it reads:
“Let me be
Be me let me
Why is it never today?
One day it would be too much
Or not enough
And it would be that day
But not today”
Fighting myself, my body and my brain. Fighting to stay afloat. Fighting to keep it together, because, otherwise, ‘who would’. Nobody would do it for me.
The song in my headphones made me cry and made me want to fight.
And fight I did, and still am.
Thank you, BTS.
BTS - Not Today (English Translation)
// Taken from Genius English Translations //
[Intro: RM]
All the underdogs in the world
A day may come when we lose
But it is not today
Today we fight
[Verse 1: Suga]
No, not today
Flowers wither eventually
But no, not today
Today is not that day
No no, not today
Not yet a day to die
Too good day
No no, not today
No no no, not today
[Verse 2: RM]
Yeah we are EXTRA
But still part of this world
Extra + Ordinary
That’s nothing at all
We won’t ever die today
Light shines through the darkness
It wants a new world and you
Oh baby yes I want it
[Verse 3: Jungkook, J-Hope, Jimin, V]
If you can’t fly, then run
Today we will survive
If you can’t run, then walk
Today we will survive
If you can’t walk, then crawl
Even if you have to crawl, gear up
Aim your gun! Ready! Fire!
[Pre-Chorus: Together, J-Hope, Jungkook:]
Not not today! Not not today!
Hey crow-tits everyone hands up
Hey friends everyone hands up
Hey if you believe me hands up
Gun! Ready! Fire!
[Chorus: Together, Jungkook, Jin]
Don’t die, don’t ask, scream
Not not today
Don’t kneel, don’t cry, raise your hands
Not not today
Hey Not not today
Hey Not not today
Hey Not not today
Gun! Ready! Fire!
[Verse 4: RM]
Too hot, success is doublin’
Too hot tumbling in the charts
Too high we on trampoline
Too high someone stop us
[Verse 5: J-Hope]
We couldn’t fail
Because we believed in each other
What you say yeah
Not today yeah
We will never die today yeah
[Verse 6: Jungkook, Jimin, V]
I believe in you by my side
Together we won’t die
I believe in you by my side
Together we won’t die
I believe in the word together
I believe in BTS
Aim your gun! Ready! Fire!
[Pre-Chorus: Together, J-Hope, Jungkook]
Not not today! Not not today!
Hey crow-tits everyone hands up
Hey friends everyone hands up
Hey if you believe me hands up
Gun! Ready! Fire!
[Chorus: Together, Jungkook, Jin]
Don’t die, don’t ask, scream
Not not today
Don’t kneel, don’t cry, raise your hands
Not not today
Hey Not not today
Hey Not not today
Hey Not not today
Gun! Ready! Fire!
[Bridge: Together, V, Jimin, Jungkook]
Throw it up! Throw it up!
Forget about the fear in your eyes
Break it up! Break it up!
Break the glass ceiling that cages you
Turn it up! (Turn it up!)
Burn it up! (Burn it up!)
Until the day of victory (fight!)
Don’t kneel, don’t collapse
That’s (do) not today!
[Pre-Chorus: Together, RM, Jungkook]
Not not today! Not not today!
Hey crow-tits everyone hands up
Hey friends everyone hands up
Hey if you believe me hands up
Gun! Ready! Fire!
[Chorus: Together, Jungkook, Jin]
Don’t die, don’t ask, scream
Not not today
Don’t kneel, don’t cry, raise your hands
Not not today
Hey Not not today
Hey Not not today
Hey Not not today
Gun! Ready! Aim!